A Mother's Choice

Apologies in advance for this slightly ranty post. As usual time has slipped away and the blog posts have been erratic but today I felt compelled to take to the laptop in full-on Mummy mode. It was triggered by a conversation this morning with a very lovely friend of mine who also writes a fabulous blog as a self-employed designer mum to a baby boy. Since admitting to making the choice to bottle feed her son she has been subjected to totally uncalled for nasty comments by a woman who calls herself a 'lactivist'. At first I wasn't exactly sure what one of these was but had a sneaking suspicion I knew where this was leading...my hackles were already up.
If you want to breast-feed, fine. If you can't or don't want to breast-feed, that's also fine...it's a choice. The 'lactivists' don't seem to get this at all and to me it's all a bit, well, odd. I even saw a cartoon on a lactivist page that said 'Breastfeeding - because in the Zombie Apocalypse you won't make it to the store for Formula" 
There's also a website selling 'lactivist' merchandise...I was quite taken aback. After seeing all the pro-breastfeeding products I was half expecting to also see a 'formula fed' section....'Failure To Launch' perhaps...

Don't get me wrong I have the utmost respect for breastfeeding mums BUT I also have the same respect for formula or bottle feeding mums. The important factor being that your baby is fed...that's all. We all know the 'breast is best' mantra but for some this is definitely not the best option or in other cases (like myself) totally impossible. I just don't understand this forced attitude towards breast feeding and basically making all other mums feel like complete failures. As I've said in other posts what new mums need most is support irrespective of their feeding choices. Every woman has already been through the birth which can be traumatic enough and even if all things go smoothly it takes a huge toll on the body. After that experience the last thing any mum needs to feel is a failure for simply trying to feed her baby.
My first son almost starved after his first week with me in hospital when we were told the feeding was all going well. He cried constantly and I knew something was wrong but the nurse insisted he was getting plenty of milk when in fact he'd hardly had a drop...there was no milk. I also had to deal with the fact that my massive row of stitches made it impossible for me to hold my baby anywhere near me so trying to breast feed whilst holding him backwards like a rugby ball was not easy to say the least!

Those pesky stitches...

After more tears, being manhandled by midwives at home and pumped like a prize cow, my other half took things into his own hands as he couldn't bear to see me or our son suffering and bought bottles and formula. Finally our baby was properly fed, calm and he slept! The relief was immense...but that feeling of failure remained.
Fast forward to son number 2 and I stood my ground. Apart from the first 5 hours after his birth when I was unconscious and the nurses tried to get him to feed, I was adamant I was not going to go through that horrendous experience again. I asked for a bottle of milk for him and anyone would have thought I'd asked for a bottle of bleach from the look on the nurse's face.

Evil formula-feeding mummy

The sad thing is that I was treated totally differently by some of the ward staff once I'd decided to bottle feed but at least I knew exactly how much milk my baby was getting and this time I felt strong enough to make my own choice...it didn't matter what anyone else thought.
I wonder how this 'lactivist' would feel if they found themselves in mine or my friend's position...what then? As with giving birth and life in general not everything goes to plan! My water birth quite frankly sank without trace.
Babies need to be fed and as long as they are healthy that's all that matters. What mums don't need is being subjected to abuse for doing their best for their baby.

Happy healthy little boys

Life Is A Rollercoaster...living with PND and absolutely nothing to do with Ronan Keating.

I thought it was about time I broke the silence...I realised I hadn't posted for a while but there are reasons behind this.
1. as usual I don't seem to have enough time to fit in all the 'normal' stuff let alone any of the more enjoyable stuff like blogging!
2. I haven't been in a very good place. I don't mean literally like Prestatyn (I apologise to anyone who's from Prestatyn but last time I went it was dreadful) I mean unfortunately what's going on in my head. More of that later...

Prestatyn earlier.

So this last few weeks have been full of ups and downs. We are stupidly busy at work which is obviously a good thing but can be very stressful. With constant deadlines and orders to complete whilst juggling childcare the endless school events and trying to run a home - it's exhausting.

My family are fabulous. The boys are a complete joy...ok the teething is a 'mare and the 5 hours sleep every night are tough but one look at those big brown eyes and all is forgiven. However I have been fighting my own battle since Charlie was born...Post Natal Depression.

3 days after giving birth I was ready for home!

Looking back I now know I had it pretty badly after Alfie was born but it was never diagnosed. Mainly because I didn't speak to anyone - I thought that must how things were after having a baby for the first time and I should just pull myself together. The fact that I cried every day for the first 6 weeks and didn't leave the house would have been a BIG clue but I soldiered on. I do think other factors played a role in this dreadful period not just the hormones. I had a major op to have Alfie and it really knocked me for six. The recovery was long slow and very painful.  

'Classical' C-section stitches

Alfie almost starved in hospital (he was dangerously close to being blue-lighted back to hospital once we had our 1st midwife visit at home) I blamed myself for this - I couldn't even give him my milk...I felt a complete failure. Turns out because of the trauma my body had been through the milk just wasn't there and the nurses who had forced me to breast feed (and yes I do mean 'forced') on the maternity ward had insisted he was getting plenty. I will never forgive them for that. As a new mum I felt totally lost and the people who were supposed to know what to do had only made matters worse. 

Week old baby Alfie in 2007

It was my wonderful family that got me through. One midwife who had reduced me to tears  was escorted off the premises by my mum and I thanked her for that. Steve couldn't bear to see me suffering so we switched to formula and Alfie thrived. 

Thank God for formula

It makes me furious even now that breast-feeding is so forcefully thrust onto new mothers and that you may as well be giving your baby poison if you even consider bottle-feeding! That's how strongly I feel. I'm not an idiot. I know that a mother's milk is the most natural wonderful source for newborns and I would have loved to have been able to feed my boys but if there is NO milk to give (or even if a mother doesn't feel comfortable) there should still be the support. Not in my case and I know plenty of others who have faced similar circumstances. You choose to bottle feed...you're on your own.

5 hours after giving birth I finally met my 2nd son

Thankfully when it came to Charlie I was much stronger in my mind about MY choices for MY baby and although I still tried to feed him naturally once I'd come round from the anaesthetic the same thing happened. There was no milk to give and I insisted that they fetch me a bottle. One nurse still treated me differently after this decision but I couldn't care less. One of the midwives on my ward was my saviour and I remember her coming to see me saying "well, after what you've been through I'm surprised you even tried" - I could have kissed her! She was super supportive to every mum on that ward regardless of their choices and initially it helped me. However once we settled back into home-life I began to struggle. 

At home with baby Charlie last June

I visited my doctor as I thought I just had low iron levels again...I was utterly exhausted. He suspected PND and this time I was actually quite surprised. Yes, there had been tears and yes, there had been some very unhelpful medical professionals yet again (almost a year on from giving birth and I still haven't had a check up even though my stitches were agony and the massive fibroid remains) but I actually felt fine in myself. Within weeks of speaking to my doctor I hit rock bottom - I wanted to leave. It all felt perfectly normal that I should just walk away. Not because I didn't love my family (I adore my family!) but because I was adamant they would be much better off without me. 

My beautiful boys

Steve is my rock

My parents are amazing

There have been some extremely dark days but with my family's help and a couple of brilliant friends to listen to me rambling on and letting me cry on them I'm getting there. I have been back to see my doctor and I'm getting the help I so desperately needed. Even writing this down makes me feel very emotional and there are plenty of days when I still feel like a total failure at everything but it is getting better and I know one day I will truly conquer this demon.

I'm hoping that if anyone else reading this is suffering with post natal depression please don't feel ashamed. I wasn't sure if I should write this post but I know I can't help what is going on in my head and neither can you. Please go and talk to someone, a doctor, friend, anyone - don't suffer in silence.

I recently read a truly horrifying blog post about a mum with PND who had literally thrown herself from a multi-story car park. She lived but has to live with what she did every single day and it's heart-breaking. This post still has me in tears and I am so happy that Sian sought help and is now doing amazing work in Niger helping families in dire need of food and water.

This was an extreme case but if left undiagnosed PPND is a possibility. Please don't let it get that far. All mum's are amazing and should you need support then take it. You owe it to yourself for being brilliant and bringing new life into the world.

You can read the full 'Baby Sunroof' story here